To lose the baby you are carrying is like losing one of your fingers. You can manage to make it through a lot of the day without thinking too much about it...until you need to thread a needle or tie your shoe or type. And then you're reminded, and it all comes flooding back.
It is so much worse, so much more traumatic than I thought. Even the word -- miscarriage, as in "I couldn't carry you." I don't know why I couldn't do it. I wanted to. I tried. The feelings of helplessness and failure are almost too much to bear.
Tomorrow is my first day back to work, and it feels like facing a firing squad. I dread it. Everyone is going to have their "I'm so sorry" face on, and I just don't feel like I can take it. I know people don't know what to say, but I don't either. I always end up feeling like I have to comfrot them. They say "I'm so sorry" and I end up saying something like "Thank you, me too. It's been really rough, but I'll make it through..." I feel like soon they will all expect me to start feeling better. When they ask how I'm doing, I'll have to reply "A little better," because that's what they want to hear.
Will I make it through? Does it get better?
At times, the grief is a wading pool; at times, a riptide. At times, I am buoyed by hope; at times, my lungs fill with the pain of it all and I am flat on my back on the bottom, held down by the tons of water above me, feeling as though I will never reach the surface.
Hemingway said, "The world breaks everyone, and afterward many are strong in the broken places." My heart is a broken place. I hope Hemingway is right...
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3 comments:
I don't know how, but I did not know this until now.
Caitlin - I'm so sorry and hurt so bad for your loss.
will be praying for your healing.
I know it will not be short.
I was checking your site because I had heard the "good news" and now find myself in a place I didn't expect. Creation and nature are wonderful but go far beyond our understanding. We are human, frail and often at the mercy of forces in life beyond our control. We never really learn to submit. We never really learn how to say goodbye ...ever! No matter what the circumstances. Treasure the loving family you have, hug your son often and give yourself time. You and David are in my prayers.
Aunt Sherri B.
It gets better. I won't lie to you, it never goes away, but it gets better. Your baby will always be a part of you. I have lost three, the last one a decade ago and I still carry them with me. Every women has to heal on her own, there is no magic formula. For me, focusing on the precious one I had, remembering that she needed her Mommy, got me through.
As for 'well meaning people', you can smile and say thank you or you can tell them the truth when they ask. Tell them it hurts, that you are having a hard time, that you're not magically 'better'. You will discover who truly wanted to know and help versus who was trying to get past the obligatory condolences. Those people will regret they asked and, usually, they stop. I know it's a little rough, but it spared me from having to make others feel better when I needed to concentrate on healing myself.
Mother to mother, I am praying for you. I am here to talk if you need someone who doesn't expect you to feel better tomorrow.
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