29 (About Damn Time)

So last year you probably thought, “Man, there’s no way she can ever be later with her annual birthday post than she was this year!”

Ha, I’ll show you…I’ll see last year’s two months late, and raise it another month! (Any by “you,” I of course mean “me,” since I am obviously the only person left reading this blog)

Yes, this year I find myself in the same predicament – time is slipping through my fingers and the harder I grab onto it, the faster it is gone. By now, 28 is a distant memory…but oh, what a memory!

Revisiting last year’s goals, I have to say that I think I did pretty darn good. First of all, I finished Squadron Officer School, the professional education required for me to get promoted to Major. After 18 months of procrastination, I squeaked in just under the wire – painful, but done forever!!

I also took on more responsibility at work, moving into a new position as the Wing Executive Officer at the 125th Fighter Wing. Not only did the job come with a raise, but now I get to commute to and from work with David, and we even get to work out together and have lunch with each other from time to time. All in all, it has been a good move for me – challenging at times, but broadening, too.

I definitely laid on the beach more – even if “more” was still only a handful of times. Baby steps, right?

So super proud of this next one, I can’t hardly even type it. After two decades of trial and failure, I quit biting my nails. For proof, I have attached a photo. Now, this may not seem like a huge deal to some of you, and you may be looking at this photo and thinking “But they’re not even long.” You are correct. They are not long by typical female standards. They are, however, unbitten – a minor miracle. Long comes next.

I even accomplished something that was on my list from 27 – I learned to scuba dive!! For my birthday, David surprised me with a weekend getaway where we got our scuba certification and took our first dive together in an underground cave. It was very cool, and I am very glad to have a hobby that I can do with my husband and incorporate into my other passion (travel!).

Obviously most significant and life-changing – I welcomed my second child into the world! Fiona Charlotte Brown, you have been one of the greatest blessings and surprises of my life. My sunshine girl, always happy and mellow and so sweet it hurts me to look at you. From the moment we brought you home, you have fit into our life like a missing puzzle piece, completing all of us and connecting all of us. What a joy you are in my heart – how did I live without you??

Next to all these successes, my failures seem so small. I failed to run a 5K (ugh, what is wrong with me?!), paint even a single room in my house, get control of my closet or drive a stick shift. Because most of these are things that have evaded me for several years (if not more than a decade), I can only assume that I have some sort of deeply rooted fear of running (or possibly the metric system?), paint, throwing clothes out (note to self: watch more “Hoarders”), and reliving drivers ed.

Now, as I enter the last year of my 20s, I find my inner pendulum swinging from wild gratitude for the way my life has turned out to the uneasy feeling that I am at some sort of crossroads. I’m not sure if it’s a “quarter-life crisis” or what, but as I look out over the next expanse of my life, I have a deep yearning for change. I can’t articulate what exactly I want to change – I just have this bubbling up desire for something “else,” something more.

More. Even the thought of it makes me feel guilty. I have so much, and still I want more. More purpose, more adventure. Am I driven, or am I greedy? And where is the line between the two?

So as you can see, the last three months have been spent in deep pondering (ponderment?). Yet still I was able to come up with my annual list of goals, several of which are repeats from last year (I will succeed someday, damn it). Hopefully, doing these things will bring me closer to the more I seek.

Without further ado, my final list before I become old (ahem, mature), boring (stable) and irrelevant (yep, no positive spin for that one!):

1. 29 will be the year I finish graduate school. After FIVE YEARS. Do not underestimate my glee on this one.

2. 29 will be the year I run a 5K. Do you hear me, procrastination?! RUN A 5K AND CROSS THIS ONE OFF THE DAMN LIST ALREADY.

3. 29 will be the year I learn to drive a stick shift. See #2 for emphasis (read: yelling).

4. 29 will be the year I start to volunteer, and find a cause I am passionate about (Habitat for Humanity? Something to do with women or children in crisis?)

5. 29 will be the year I foster my old friendships, and make some new ones.

6. 29 will be the year I lose 15 pounds. After accomplishing this one at 27, I got pregnant at 28, and here I am again at 29. Sigh.

7. 29 will be the year I become a better listener.

8. 29 will be the year I do something that surprises everyone.

Here’s to 29 – may it be a year of growth, change, learning and surprise, and may I come out of it in one piece!